I set all my previous posts to private for a time. I'm paranoid again. I want to check over them to make sure I'm not giving away too much about myself. I'll put them back up after I check them.
How can I talk about my deepest self without talking about myself? I don't know.
Recently I've developed a general fear of everything. Afraid of going outside, afraid of being stuck inside. Terrified of the kitchen.
Even the tiniest amount of food makes me binge if I'm not careful. And I mean binge. Thousands of calories gone in an instant.
My boyfriend playfully picked on me for eating his cheese, until I burst into tears. Once I start I cannot control what I eat or how much.
However my pervasive fear has started spreading to the bulimia (again). I know what this means, and I welcome it. Panic clutches at my chest at the thought that I might be gaining weight, that calories could be slipping past me before I purge, that I'm not purging enough. Actual real panic. So guess what comes next.
Starving makes me not fear myself.
I need to stay strong. No more of this wallowing. I need to remind myself how awesome I am when I starve, how good I am at it and how good it makes me. I need to spend every waking hour reminding myself of how powerful I am.
I can control this stupid body. I can.
